In The Loneliest Moment…
The bills aren’t getting paid, my mind repeats at 4 am, begging the sun not to rise just yet, my body rolling back and forth below the covers. There is money coming in, small chunks, enough to pay things here and there, but never enough for all the bills. When he comes to pick the baby up for his regular co-parenting time, he reminds me that money, electronics, a new car could be mine if I choose to stay in the marriage. But instead, I toss and turn in the early morning hours wondering when I’ll feel better again.
In the daytime, when the baby is at the nursery and I can work on other things, I send my resume out, connecting with people I knew before, working to keep my writing going. On Monday, I’ll interview a top chef who stars on a national television network. My search engine optimization skills are so good that it’ll be at the top of Google by the end of Tuesday, and shared by hundreds by the end of Wednesday. But on Thursday, when the mortgage is due, I’ll remember that I don’t have the money, and that autographs and blog posts and famous connections don’t pay the bills. On Friday, I’ll hand the baby off again for a few days, and park myself, alone, on the couch.
They won’t hire me because I am self-employed, I think as I hit ‘send’ on another job application. They won’t hire me because I’m a small business owner who recently closed her business. They won’t hire me because it’s a recession and marketing managers are a dime a dozen. They won’t hire me because no one wants a single mother.
In the nighttime, when the baby cries, the high-pitched wail through the wireless monitor jolts me from sleep, and I shuffle across the living room to her bedroom door, the lone watchwoman on duty. I scoop her little body up, parking my feet shoulder-width apart, bending my knees gently, rocking her from side to side, make-believing that I’m just in the gym doing squats like before. I nuzzle her close, inhaling her sweet baby smell, trying not to drop any tears on her face.
Is it better than being in the marriage, I always ask myself in the dark.
Yes.
